Disclaimer: All characters herein are the property of Roddenberry/Kirschner et al. I'm just borrowing them for a wee bit….
This text is copyright 1999 by Debra Cebulski. For permission to reprint, please contact the author at kerowyn@hottub.org

Companion Agent Liam Kincaid sat in his office working on a report. There were times he couldn't believe that he had been selected to replace Jonathan Doors as leader of the Resistance. However, the novelty wore thin on nights like this, when he had to stay late to catch up on paperwork. He was trying to concentrate on his work, but his shaqarava ached so much he was unable to do much at a time. It's hard to think constructively when your hands feel like they're peeling away one layer at a time. Liam massaged his hands in a vain attempt to ease the pain, even though he knew that it wouldn't help. Nothing had worked, and Da'an was at a loss to explain it. In his present mood, he did not welcome the reminder of his alien heritage. At times like this, he even wished he'd been born human. He might have had a normal childhood. And Mother might still be alive. Liam still missed his mother. He supposed it was only natural—but it still hurt, and there were times he blamed himself for her death. His hands began to spasm, and it became obvious that he wasn't going to get anything more accomplished, so he turned off his monitor and headed home.

Liam really wasn't in the mood to mingle in the Flat Planet—besides, only the diehard party animals came out on Monday nights. He used the alley door to slip into his flat. I want to go to sleep, he thought morosely. At least my shaqarava don't hurt then. Liam settled into his chair and calmed his mind, focusing on the delta wave pattern of Stage 3 sleep. As he slipped into unconsciousness, he thought I can do this so easily—why can't I make the pain go away?

*****

Liam floated blissfully in his mother's womb. His tiny hand grasped his umbilical cord, and his mind filled with wonderful thoughts and feelings. He and Mother were together. She was so happy to be bearing him, and Liam was happy to be where he was. He knew he would have to leave this haven eventually, but he wasn't worried. Mother kept thinking of the wonderful things they would be able to do when he was born. He wasn't sure that he really understood why she wanted him to do some of them, but he supposed he would when the time came. Mother's mind was trying to assimilate the knowledge that Father had given her. Liam was sure that when he was born, he would be able to help her. Father would have wanted him to. Father had embraced the void, so Liam would have to take care of Mother for him. Liam's body shuddered, and the warm liquid around him drained away. He clung to his umbilical for dear life as the walls closed around him and began to squeeze, and squeeze, and—

*****

Liam awoke to find himself kneading the armrest of his chair. And (surprise, surprise), his shaqarava were hurting again. He glanced at the clock—it was 5:00 A.M. Looks like another early day at the office!

Da'an was waiting for him when he arrived. "This is the fifth day you have arrived for work early. Is something wrong, Liam?" Da'an's hands wove through the air, demonstrating his concern.

Liam sighed. "It's my shaqarava, Da'an. They're still hurting, and I can't stop it."

Da'an's eyes closed momentarily. "Did the Taelon meditation technique I taught you help at all?"

Liam shook his head. Da'an stared off into space briefly. His hands lifted into what Liam thought of as the "teacher position": left hand at chest, right hand slightly raised, with fingers spread. "I feel that the answer to your problem lies within you, and I can think of only one other technique that might prove useful. Have you considered entering Samhaad?"

Liam stared at Da'an, dumbfounded. Da'an continued: "You have the Kimera knowledge within you. Samhaad allows Taelons to experience a meditative state similar to what humans experience in dreams."

Liam started to open his mouth, but Da'an's raised hand signaled for silence. "While humans dream only briefly, Taelons can remain within Samhaad for days, even weeks. This extended dream state might enable you to reach the memories of Ha'gel."

Liam shuddered. "Da'an, the last time I had a near death experience, it almost killed me. In fact, by human standards, I was dead. I'm not sure I can face that again."

Da'an's hand lowered again slowly. "I understand."

Liam winced—he heard the disappointment in Da'an's voice.

That Friday, his shaqarava were hurting so much he could barely use his hands, but he couldn't miss a previously scheduled meeting with the head of the New England Resistance. Ryan Malone was a feisty New Hampshire native who took his state's motto of "Live Free or Die" very seriously. The Taelon Volunteers had decimated one of his cells, and Ryan wanted revenge. Fortunately, the meeting was being held at—of all places—the Watergate Hotel, where Ryan was checked in under an assumed name. Liam knew there was no way he would be able to withstand the stress of even a short trip through ID space, and Augur was quite touchy about the use of his "lair" in non-crisis situations. Liam wasn't about to endanger the Resistance's alliance with Augur over a small (though critical) meeting. Lili was on stakeout detail with Sandoval, so Liam would be handling this entirely on his own.

Luckily, Liam was able to focus Malone's anger. "You are one of the most security-conscious men in the Resistance. Someone had to have leaked the information about your cell to the Taelons. We've lost seven entire cells to Volunteer attacks, and I need your help to find the person or persons responsible. Only then can we truly avenge our people." Ryan agreed to help. Liam was relieved—he had to keep the Resistance together at all costs. If the Resistance splinters into factions, we're easy prey for Zo'or, he thought morosely.

Liam took the train home. On the way, he pondered the problem of his shaqarava. The pain he was feeling was interfering with his ability to do his jobs. Liam shuddered at the thought of another near-death experience. I don't want to die—but I can't live like this for much longer.

In his flat, Liam opened his global and recorded a message for Lili. "Lili, you know the problems I've been having lately. Da'an has proposed a solution which is somewhat radical, but which may work. I'm going to be out of touch this weekend. If I don't contact you by Monday, see Da'an." Liam programmed his global to transmit the message to Lili in one hour, and gently closed it. Even that small action caused his shaqarava to send another wave of pain through his hand.

Liam carefully leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He slowed his breathing in stages. With each breath, he calmed his body and focused his attention inward, trying to ignore the pain. Liam knew that when he finally reached Samhaad he would be breathing only once every three minutes—the bare minimum needed to keep his body alive. He pushed that thought out of his mind and again focused on his breathing. Liam's consciousness seemed to expand, and he once again found himself on the gray featureless plain where he had encountered his father before—but Ha'gel wasn't there.

Liam looked around for a moment and sighed. "Great—now what am I supposed to do?" he wondered. "You could come over here and say hello to your mother" piped up a voice behind him. Liam's heart rose in his chest as he turned around to face her.

A smiling Siobhan Beckett sat on a rock, the remnants of her climbing gear strewn about her. Liam's throat choked up, and he could not speak. He walked over to her, leaned on her shoulder, and wept for only the second time in his life.

Siobhan held him until he had cried himself out, and handed him a handkerchief from her pocket. As he dried his tears, she asked him what was wrong. "I've got a serious problem, Mother. My shaqarava are so painful that soon I won't be able to use my hands at all." Liam hesitated a moment. "I need Father's help."

Siobhan sighed. "You are so like your great-grandfather. I knew that the instant you were born—that's why you're his namesake. I know how much it cost you to admit that you need help, and I'm so sorry that this time neither your father nor I can give it to you."

Liam sat back in shock as Siobhan continued. "You're approaching the end of puberty, and your shaqarava are hurting because you are storing energy for your rite of passage." Liam started to say something, but was stopped by the expression on his mother's face. Siobhan leaned forward. "Right now, your body is still immature. At the moment you reach full physical maturity, you will have the option to reshape your flesh or your mind. You can become a full human or remain a hybrid, continuing your mental development in the Kimera tradition."

Liam was stunned, but he knew that his mother was telling the truth.

Siobhan took Liam's hands in hers. "Both options will leave you with the same exterior appearance. If you choose to renounce your Kimera heritage, you will lose your shaqarava and your ancestral memories. You will be fully human, but the process will leave you unable to reproduce."

Liam looked up. "But that would mean the end of your family line!"

Siobhan looked into his eyes. "Liam, I can't live your life for you, and you can't live yours for me. You have to decide what is important to you, and choose accordingly. Now listen to me—we haven't much time left. If you choose to accept your Kimera heritage, you will be able to have increased control over your shaqarava, and you will eventually be able to access your ancestral memories at will." Siobhan smiled wryly. "Either way, your shaqarava will stop hurting."

Liam rubbed his hands thoughtfully. "How long do I have to decide, and what do I have to do?"

Siobhan replied, "Your father tells me that your body will reach maturity within the next day or so. Once that happens, make your choice. You'll know what you have to do from there."

Liam kissed his mother on the cheek and rose to leave.

"Liam?" she called. He turned around. "Whatever you choose, your father and I will always love you."

A tear slid down Liam's cheek as he replied, "I love you too."

Liam focused his concentration on his body. He slowly increased his respiration. When he approached "normal" respiration, he felt a snap as he rejoined his body. He suppressed a groan as he felt his shaqarava again. Now I know what Augur meant by "puberty sucks", he thought sardonically.

He opened his eyes to find Lili and Augur standing there. A tired-looking Lili glared at him, while Augur stood watching.

"What day is it?" Liam asked.
Lili checked her watch. "It's Sunday night, almost Monday morning—and you have some explaining to do."

Liam explained his dilemma to Lili and Augur. Augur looked faintly troubled, while Lili radiated sympathy and concern. "Liam, what are you going to do?" Lili asked.

Liam sighed. "I really don't know, Lili. If I renounce my Kimera heritage, I'll be fully human, but I won't have the abilities and knowledge we may need to beat the Taelons." He frowned. "I'm also afraid of what may happen if I embrace my Kimera heritage. My body will stay the same—but will I still be me?"

Augur and Lili exchanged speaking looks. Augur spoke up, "Beckett was right—we can't help you with this, Liam. You have to decide what's best for you, because you're going to have to live with whatever you choose."

Liam sighed again. "I know. That's what I'm worried about." Liam wanted to rub his palms, but couldn't even touch them. "If Ha'gel is right, I'm going to have to choose sometime tonight or tomorrow. Da'an has no appearances scheduled tomorrow—if he stays in the embassy, he should be safe. I'll call him after you two leave."

Lili opened her mouth, but Liam cut her off before she could say a word. "I'm sorry. I really appreciate your support, but I'm going to need some quiet time to think about this."

After seeing Lili and Augur out, Liam called Da'an and told him what he had learned.

Da'an's eyes opened wide, and his movements were almost glacially slow. "Good luck, Liam. I know you will choose well." Liam's throat closed with unshed tears and he could barely get out the words to thank Da'an.

Liam paced the remainder of the night. No matter what he chose, he was going to disappoint someone. Could he lead the Resistance as a full human? Certainly, and he might even have an easier time of it—some Resistance cell leaders accepted his leadership, but didn't trust him because of his heritage. However, he knew that on a deep level he depended on his mother's military training and Sandoval's law enforcement training and experience. Could he protect Da'an effectively as a human? Yes, provided he got a CVI and skrill. Could he live the rest of his life without the ability to father children? Well, there was always adoption…

What would happen if he chose to keep his powers? Sure, he would be able to control the shaqarava, but what other changes would be made to him? Would he be able to control them? No matter how hard he tried, he kept coming back to the same points, over and over again. As the night wore on, his shaqarava hurt so intensely that the pain began to radiate up his arms. As the sun rose, Liam lay slumped in his chair, waiting.

Liam was able to catch a few catnaps during the morning. By noon, the pain had reached his chest and was spreading down his torso. Liam tried every meditation technique Da'an had taught him, but none of them helped ease the pain. As the pain took his ability to think, Liam was reduced to screaming in agony. Finally, toward mid-afternoon, the pain had spread all over his body. His voice was gone, and he didn't even have the strength left to whimper. Liam would have gladly gone into Samhaad to escape, but he couldn't summon the concentration.

As the sun began to set, the pain suddenly disappeared. Liam almost fainted with relief—the moment had arrived. Liam opened his eyes to see a ball of golden light floating just above his waist. Liam sighed—and made his choice. He placed his hands on the ball. His shaqarava glowed, and the energy ball exploded. Liam braced himself for more pain, but instead felt his eyes grow heavy, and he fell asleep.

Liam found himself on the gray featureless plain again. This time, much to his surprise, all three of his parents were there. "Did I make the right choice?" Liam asked.

Ha'gel replied, "Did you choose to accept your Kimera heritage for yourself, or for others?"

Liam thought for a moment. "For both. The Resistance needs my gifts to defeat the Taelons. I need my ancestral memories—they're all I have left of you and mother, and of Sandoval too for that matter! I developed in the direction I did because I am part Kimera. I have some problems with that, but I like who I am, and I didn't want to risk losing what I've gained."

His mother smiled. "I think you made the right choice, son. You chose to grow instead of hiding like a turtle in a shell."

Sandoval smiled, but said nothing.

"Why am I here again?" Liam asked.

Ha'gel explained "You need to be away from your body while your energy balance is restored. Your shaqarava have been storing up energy for the past few months. If you had chosen to become a full human, every scrap of that energy would have been required for the transformation."

Liam paled a bit, but Ha'gel was quick to reassure him. "Since you chose to accept your Kimera side, you didn't need all of the energy, just some of it. Kimera children need strong mental barriers to shield their developing personalities from their ancestral memories. As a child, your barriers protected you by keeping most of your memories out of your conscious mind. When you return to your body, you will feel slightly different because your barriers will be somewhat weaker, but more under your conscious control. Once your personality is strong enough, you will be able to lower your barriers to access the information whenever you wish."

Ha'gel smiled. "You also won't have to come here to speak with us—you'll be able to summon us to your plane, but you will be the only one able to see us."

Liam grinned at his parents: "I'm relieved to hear that. No offense intended, but I really don't like this place!" Ha'gel looked slightly puzzled, while Siobhan and Sandoval laughed.

Ha'gel raised his hands to reveal his glowing shaqarava. "Come here, Liam." Liam instinctively raised his own shaqarava and joined with his father. Ha'gel showed him the path back to his body. Gratefully, Liam followed it.

Liam opened his eyes to find Lili and Augur standing over him. He tried to speak, but his mouth and throat were dry. Augur handed him a cup of water, which he gulped down.

Liam smiled. "Haven't we been here before?"

Lili looked pensive, and she pulled up a chair next to him. She hesitated for a moment, and then spoke. "Liam, you've been unconscious for three days."

Liam sat up suddenly, dropping the empty cup. "But I was only out for a few minutes!" He glanced at his watch. Sure enough, it was Thursday afternoon. Liam sat back.

Augur shot a sideways glance at Liam's palms, and softly asked "So?" Liam opened his palms to reveal glowing shaqarava.

Augur grinned and nodded, but Lili leaned forward. "Liam, are you absolutely sure this is what you want?"

Liam deactivated his shaqarava and smiled. "I couldn't undo this decision even if I wanted to. I became the person I am today because of my mixed Kimera-Human heritage. When the time came, I found that I couldn't deny that part of myself." He looked down at his hands and sighed. "The person I would have become would have had my body and my personal memories, but he wouldn't have been me."

Liam's global beeped. He motioned Augur and Lili to the opposite side of the room, and opened his global.

Agent Sandoval's face appeared. "I trust you are feeling better, Major." Sandoval frowned slightly. "Da'an asks if you will be able to report tomorrow."

Liam smiled. "I am much better, Agent Sandoval. Please inform Da'an that I will see him tomorrow at the normal time."

Sandoval's eyes narrowed. "Very well, Major. Sandoval out."

Liam slammed his global shut. "Looks like it's back to work for me tomorrow."

Lili grinned. "I've even saved the choicest bits of paperwork for you—I know how much you love it."

Liam groaned.

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